Conrad Victorino – Awesome
conradvictorino@conradvictorino.com

The unsent letter.

It feels like it has been a pretty long time since the last time we talked, but I guess we are beginning to lose the sense of time, aren’t we? I am no longer waiting for you to get back, and you do not intend to either. I am not waiting for your apology anymore. I don’t need a lame “I miss you” and I don’t even care if you regret it or not. The choices were made, the bridges were already burnt and though it kills me to admit it, the love was gone. It’s all gone now.

I often stand in front of the mirror and ask myself: “do you miss him?” And I stand there, staring at my own reflection that I hate, starring at my own puzzled face, trying to find the right answer. Losing you was tough and even tough would be an understatement. You think that the only reason I am hurting that much is because you were the love of my life. Well, it’s true. You were. But that’s not why I was left broken when you decided to move on. To me, and I have already told you that several times, you were my lover, my best friend and family. Yeah, that’s what I used to call you…my family. You knew how much I loved you and how much you meant to me, and still – God Dammit- you were too selfish to stay. Was it that easy for you to walk away? I am a wreck now, I am a mess. But were you expecting any less?

You were the guy that I loved. You have no idea how bad I wished that one day, instead of reaching for my phone to tell you “Good morning hubs”, I would reach for the other side of bed instead. Every time we would drive on our way back home from our dates, I would wish that one day you and I would have the same destination, a same home to come to. I had big dreams, teenage fairytales mostly. And I knew most of it would never come true but for me it was enough to be with you. I still remember our last time so clearly. We were lying in bed naked and I just felt happy, truly happy to be in your arms. I had my head on your warm chest and you had your fingers in my hair. I looked up and saw your wet eyes. You seemed sad and worried. I didn’t know what’s wrong and I was too scared to ask. I knew something was wrong though…something that I couldn’t understand back then but it got crystal clear days later.

I still hate that October night, the 24th of October to be specific. I feeling low and had a lot of things on my mind and I thought I needed to talk to you. You didn’t seem alright that night. Sometimes I wish had never asked you what was wrong because the next thing I know, you broke up with me. Simple as that. After three years, you broke up with me because…you THINK i don’t belong in your future? Am I supposed to just accept that?

I am not able to neither forgive you nor forget you, you know? I was never the type that holds the grudge but with you, it’s different. You might have had excuses, and you have had really valid and rational reasons to go but it does not change the fact that you made a very selfish decision. You chose your happiness over OURS. You chose to hurt me. It might be my weakness speaking but I know one thing for sure…I was once too nice to you and I loved you to pieces. And you chose to break my heart and abuse my kindness. Well, today, I chose to punish you with my bitterness for the rest of your life. They say if it still hurts, then you still care. Hell yes I do care. But I mostly care about turning your life into hell. All I care about is to destroy you. I am filled with anger and hatred that is consuming me but I just cannot help it. You did this to me. You did this to us.

You really thought this was going to end the easy way, didn’t you? You would leave like you have never existed, and it would be just about time for me to get over you so you could fool around with other people without feeling guilty. I heard you already forgave yourself and you have no regrets about what you have done. Hell! You’re even judging me for being bitter and rude and unfriendly to you. Why shouldn’t I? Give me one good reason, one good reason that would make me feel any sympathy for an emotionless selfish shallow person like you.

I wish I could find a way to let go of all this anger eating me up. I wish I could just end this war raging my troubled soul. You have no idea how many times I have tried to toss it all away, just like you did, and I run as far as I can. And I ran. I ran too fast that I almost flew but the roads have led me back to you…like they always do. Every time you see the hatred burning in my eyes remember that you’re the one that stroke the match. You made the fire grow. I am still filled with fear, resentment and doubt. And I still cry my silly heart out every now and then. But I promised you. I will take it all in stride because I am no longer trying to hide the pain you left behind. Though it might take me forever to be whole again, I promise you that I will find closure. Our days might just be over but MINE HAVE JUST BEGUN.